Random Stuff

In case of elevator entrapment…

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Safety is big at my workplace.  Really big.  It’s the kind of company that is highly regulated, and subject to all sorts of safety standards, as it should be.  In the small hallway where I work, there are 8 cubes, 4 on each side of the walkway.  Four of them have large signs hanging from the ceiling above them with a big red cross against a white background.  That is because there are four safety monitors in my immediate vicinity.  Should we have an emergency, they would perform a variety of pre-assigned and practiced actions, including sweeping the building to make sure everyone evacuated and assisting any persons that may not be able to get out of the office under their own power.  I feel very safe at work.  Except, perhaps, when I’m in the elevator.

Upon entering the elevator in our building, I am greeted with this sign.

Aside from the brilliant, though I”m sure unintentional, example of personification, I think my favorite part of the sign is the portrayal of an elevator gone haywire with the poor little arrow clearly in a panic as it vibrates between floors four and five.  However, we have yet to get to the instructions…

I have a feeling that anyone entrapped by the elevator would likely attempt all of the above instructions without needing a reminder, but who knows?  Whenever I ride the elevator, I play in my mind a little scene with an unfortunately paranoid and anxious person reading the list aloud while thinking to himself, “Is this a life threatening emergency?  Am I equipped with a cell phone?  Stay calm?  Who the hell do you think you are telling me to stay calm?!” Of course, this is done while repeatedly mashing the elevator alarm button, which instruction seems designed to increase the anxiety of the entrapped.  Maybe “Stay calm,” should be the first step?

Note: Apologies for the crappy images again – I just can’t seem to take clear pictures in a hurry, and as I’ve mentioned before, I hesitate to get caught taking pictures hence I be perceived as some sort of corporate spy…

Follow the links

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I linked to a series of posts by John Ellert quite some time ago – it was some of the funniest writing I’d seen in a long time, and I still highly recommend you read it.  I bring it up, because the subject of his first story has come back to haunt him, as he explains in a more recent post.  Go read the original four parts of the story – you won’t regret it – and then you’ll be dying to hear what will happen this summer, as I am.  John is a bit of a sporadic blogger, but perhaps with a few more comments, we can pressure him into telling us what happens next…

Since I’m thinking about humor, here is another hilarious read on Mike Is Happy. Relatively.

On a more serious note, I’ve been recently buried in a book of essays, called How to Be Alone, by Jonathan Franzen, and was happy to stumble across Nathan Bransford’s recent post about seeing Franzen speak in person.  I really like hearing one author’s take on another.  Check it out.

Congrats to Monica Lee, whose memoir is being released this summer.  She posts her Prologue here, and after reading it, I am definitely going to keep an eye out for the book launch.

And, finally, who do you know that writes like this?  “My brain be scattered, like the bones of a zombie on the highway of a free-wheeling granny.”  There’s only one person, and if you haven’t subscribed so you don’t miss a post, you should.

More Ridiculousness

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I have noticed a lot of ridiculous things lately, and have shared them in my very sporadic recent posts.  Today I found something particularly ludicrous.  I was studying for a project management certification exam I plan to take in the near future.  Part of the requirement for this particular certification is that you have to have 35 contact hours of recent project management education.  To fulfill that, I signed up for the cheapest online version of an exam prep program I could find, because the exam itself is expensive enough.  The test is multiple choice, though it is surprisingly difficult for a multiple choice test.  So, along with my online “course,” I get to take some practice tests.  Most of the scenarios begin with some fairly meaningless scene-setting, such as…

Your company, an oil giant, is implementing a new software system.  As project manager, which of the following would be inputs you would consider when defining scope…

You nephew is studying for the PMP exam and asks you for help understanding how to manage procurements.  Which of the following would not be steps he would take…

Your employer has chosen you to manage an extremely high profile project.  After the completion of  the first phase of the project, you are running on schedule but realized an overachieving team member has implemented more complex features than requested, resulting in higher costs than planned.  The first thing you do is…

And then this one:

Your company has been contracted by your country’s military to create a prosthetic finger for a General who lost a digit during combat. As this project is especially unique and custom in nature, you would maximize the odds of the General accepting your deliverable by:

Really?

I think maybe the fortune cookie writer has found a new job…

Puzzling Sign

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Again, my day job brings me in contact with writing that needs help…

I apologize for the fuzzy image – I thought I might look weird taking a photograph in front of the security guard’s desk and it looks like I rushed a bit too much – the text is below for those of you that can’t read this.

———————–

NOTICE

Check “IN” with Officer if you have a

Guide Dog and/or service animal.

NO pets allowed on premises.

———————–

Amusing business writing

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I started a new gig this week, consulting at a very big corporation.  It’s been close to a decade since I worked in a large corporate environment, but I spent enough time there early in my career to know what to expect.  I haven’t been surprised, though I am noticing little things I might not have in the past.  Not sure if that’s because I’ve been writing so much more myself, or it’s just my quirky sense of observation.  I have spent my first few days reading various documents, and yesterday, I stumbled on these definitions in a training presentation…

Issues

An issue is defined as a situation, problem, or an activity that has happened or is happening which impacts upon the [project]. A project issue needs to be addressed, either immediately or during the project.

Issue: While crossing freeway I got hit by a bus

Risks

A risk is something that may happen in the future and have a positive or negative effect on the project.

Risk: When crossing the freeway I might get hit by a car and get hurt.

Mitigation: Find the nearest pedestrian bridge

Follow the links

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Callie Leuck really grabbed me with the opening paragraph of her very well written rant about discrimination.  Check it out.  You’ll enjoy it.  Thanks for speaking up, Callie!

I’m not normally a “life lessons” kind of person, but maybe it’s because I just haven’t read the right lists.  This post by Julie Farrar is really great.  Julie’s sense of humor and her writing style are a bit understated – this combines for a read that will make you smile more than once.  In fact, while you’re at it, read this awesome graduation speech she wrote for parents.

You’ll also get some laughs from the transcripts of hilarious conversations Heather Davis has with her kids.  She posts a Conversation of the Week, and this is a link to the entire category.  Her other posts are funny, too, but I particularly love the Conversation of the Week.

I only recently started reading Nathan Bransford’s blog, but I love it that he has tons to say about tons of stuff.  This post about the future of publishing is very straightforward, and I really enjoyed his take on what the future will hold for all the major parties in the ecosystem – publishers, agents, authors, bookstores, and readers.

And, speaking of publishing, Graham recently wrote a wonderful counter to another Huffington Post contributor’s opinion that blogging, or  “uncontrolled publishing”, and the Internet in general are leading us on a “path of literary extinction.”  While I imagine most of us will identify more with Graham’s position, Saadon’s writing is interesting regardless of what you think of his opinion.  It’s well-written, with the exception of a sentence or two that make their point, but do so using nonsensical language – a bit ironic for someone who purports only to respect intellectual writing.  Both pieces are thought-provoking, though.  Check them out.

Mother’s Day Traffic Spike

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My most-read post in the past week has been Quotes from my crazy Great-Grandmother, driven by many searches for “great grandmother quotes,” and “great grandma quotes.”  I imagine the web surfers that stumbled on my small collection of my great grandma’s quotes got something other than what they were really looking for.  Oh well, maybe they got a little laugh.

I am woefully behind in posting here and reading other blogs because I’ve been focusing my energy on finishing a few essays, getting some critiques at http://www.mywriterscircle.com, interviewing for another new job, starting a professional blog, and writing a bunch of business articles for it.  It seems my brain can only handle a couple of kinds of writing at the same time.  I have the rest of this week, and possibly next, to wrap up some of my projects before I dive into my new job as a management consultant.

Yesterday, I began reading Art Objects, a collection of critical essays by Jeannette Winterson about art.  The writing is dense, the kind you need to really focus on, re-reading paragraphs as you go, turning over in your mind the ideas on the pages.  I’ll leave you with this bit from the first essay, also titled Art Objects.

Every day, in countless ways, you and I convince ourselves about ourselves.  True art, when it happens to us, challenges the ‘I’ that we are.  A love-parallel would be just; falling in love challenges the reality to which we lay claim, part of the pleasure of love and part of its terror, is the world turned upside down.  We want and we don’t want, the cutting edge, the upset, the new views.  Mostly we work hard at taming our emotional enviornment just as we work hard at taming our aesthetic environment.  We already have tamed our physical environment.  And are we happy with all this tameness?  Are you?

Follow the links

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Who can resist reading about the history of the manwich?  I couldn’t, but was doubly rewarded when I saw a mention of my home-town and the odd misnomer we use there for the sloppy joe…

As always, I have to include a link to something I found quite funny.  I’m grateful for the people in the world that will share their neuroses so openly and with such self-deprecation.  They are among the best teachers because they remind us we’re all a little crazy and we should never take ourselves too seriously…

Graham’s post about opening lines gave me a little shot in the arm.  I’ve been reading like a fiend lately, and I like to go back and read first lines after I’ve put a book away for awhile.  Perhaps it’s time to do that again soon…

This post about kids fighting over and retrieving a boomerang is great.  It reminds me of the crazy things my father let me do as a kid – things that no other person with even a semblance of concern about safety would have sanctioned.  Things like climb to the roof of the barn using the grounding wire from the lightning rod as climbing rope, then sled down the other side, to fly off into banks of snow.

I enjoyed this pensive post about the state of waiting we often find our lives or our selves in.  It’s a gentle thought-provoker…

More great fortunes

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I could not confirm that the Ohio pet store ad I wrote of yesterday featured paintings of a dog and a cat.  At first, my friend thought I might be right, but when I pointed out just how stupid that would make the ad, she laughed hysterically for a minute, then decided it couldn’t really be true.  I still suspect I’m right, but I can’t be sure…

In any event, the two of us got some of the best fortunes I have ever read from our fortune cookies (manufactured in Hayward, CA, I noticed on the packaging).  Mine read:

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.”

My friend’s fortune topped mine, and by a long shot, I might add – but I’ll let you be the judge…

“No one has ever drowned in their own sweat.”

I want to find the person that writes these fortunes and hire them for something – I don’t know what, but something.

Follow the Links

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I’ve shared a link or two in the past to Hooked, a wonderfully interesting blog by an equally interesting woman about her experience as an Alaskan fisherman.  She was recently interviewed for a piece on Oregon Public Broadcasting about the intersection between her writing and fishing lives.  She’s shared the link from her own blog, but I wanted to share it here, too.  This is what writing is about for me.  Finding the voice Tele describes in her interview, and finding other writers like Tele who inspire me to keep refining that voice for myself.

When I stumbled on this post while tag-surfing in the infinitely broad category of ‘Writing,’ I had to read it for a few reasons, all of which are in the title, “My Big Fat Lesbian Life – Demi Moore and Orange Leisure Suits.”  Check it out.  I’m glad I did.

This post made me smile.  It’s a simple reminder that we too often over-classify or underestimate people.  We’re all guilty, and maybe that’s why it feels so good when we recognize and stop ourselves from doing so.

Here’s a humorous look at approaching the big ‘4-0,’ which I am getting ever closer to reaching myself.  When you’re done with that, though, keep going for ‘Gasoline For Valentine’s Day.’

Charlie Hale is a writer I love to read.  This post on family stories is a good example of why I’m constantly drawn back to his blog.  I, too, am a bit of a genealogy nut, but Charlie is a masterful storyteller and he seems to effortlessly stamp everything he writes with a sense of importance.